Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
