Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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