first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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