He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
