Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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