Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
