And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
