I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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