grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
