my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
