Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
