soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
