zippers are such a cool invention
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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