I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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