True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
