I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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