considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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