If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
