No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
