he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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