Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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