The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He felt like a one man threesome
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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