My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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