You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
