I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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