i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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