i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
