I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
