end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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