the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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