so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
