Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
