I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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