AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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