I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
