I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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