If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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