I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
