nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
