I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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