I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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