Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A bitchslap is in order.
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