Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize