I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
