I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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