I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to calm my uterus...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
