Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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