My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
