It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
