He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
