Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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