Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
