The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
