So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize