I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
