If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your cock deserves a montage
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
