i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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