I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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